En route to get groceries I got to thinking of the past year. 

In the spring and early summer 2013 I was miserable. In a way I still hung on to the (memory of the) lil dude's dad. (That's what happens when there's no closure mmmkay.) I had stopped hoping he'd come back, but I wasn't entirely ready to move on either. After having had pneumonia, I lived in a constant fear of dying, getting sick, being unable to take care of the boy- just a fear of everything. It was pretty bad and I knew it was bad. I didn't know how to escape it all. So I just sat there and hung on for dear life. 

The boy's dad contacted me again about a year ago. It was a total turning point. Knowing he was interested in his son helped a lot. Knowing he would be ok if something was to happen to me helped TONS. I stopped thinking about dying and decided to concentrate on living and to not fuck this up. Then all the other stuff came - "the relationship crap". I was so easily fooled, I just tripped over him and I was down. As pray goes, hey- here's an easy one.

Then I woke up a year later. At least 10 kilos heavier, self esteem shattered, confused out of my wits, disappointed and hurt. My heart feels lighter though. I feel like I can pull this off. We're doing good. We don't need liars and cheaters here. I just need to enforce and build this positivity.

This is the starting point.